A Triathlon of Cirrhotic Proportions

May 9, 2012
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If all goes according to plan this weekend, I will finally complete The Trifecta.  Yes, I will have journeyed to Atlantic City, Vegas, and Daytona all in one season.  And I will have missed a lot of days of work this spring, by far more than any other associate at my firm.  It’s basically...

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Up on Cripple Creek, she sends me.

May 7, 2012
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Up on Cripple Creek, she sends me.

I went to Hot Springs, North Carolina this weekend for a wedding.  It was awesome.  It looked a lot like this, only with even more barns: For those of you unaware, Hot Springs apparently has some springs that were at one point considered “warm” but were then reclassified as “hot” to increase tourism.   To...

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This would never happen if I’d opted for a Vespa.

May 3, 2012
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Today was a rough day in the life of this commuting professional.  I got on the road at 7:01 a.m. to exchange my loaner car for my actual car, which was chilling at a dealer in Decatur.  The 7-mile voyage inexplicably took 50 minutes (at 7:01 a.m.!) and when I got in my car...

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Alien Lanes

May 2, 2012
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Alien Lanes

I was just working this morning–minding my own business–when I decided to look out the window to focus on something far away in furtherance of eye health.  That’s when I saw something scary, let out a little yelp, and immediately thought we were all doomed for the alien apocalypse.  In order to better illustrate...

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March, February, You Rocked

May 1, 2012
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The musical momentum of 2012 is gearing up to peak in the summer, it seems, which translates into many good poolside albums. Lots of good stuff the past two months, so I’m just going to dive right in.   Perfume Genius – “Hood” Perfume Genius songs tend to be slow burners, so this song...

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Scientific Study on the Correlation of Saab Owners and Winos

May 1, 2012
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I don’t know what it is about my commute, but this morning I saw yet another Saab bearing a license plate that imparted knowledge to the general public that the owner of said Saab loves to drink wine and, in fact, may have drank some wine before getting behind the wheel of the car. ...

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Dead Knee Job

April 30, 2012
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Nothing kickstarts a Monday morning like a doctor’s appointment in which your doctor informs you that your hamstring and quadriceps’ strength are not, in fact, on par with Hines Ward and other professional athletes without ACL that you’ve learned about on the internets.  The doctor quite matter-of-factly informed me that my knee has not...

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Tim Tebow Is Not Our People

April 27, 2012
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Tim Tebow Is Not Our People

I received an email from my mother last night, which related to me the latest of my grandfather’s historical research.  My grandfather, at 91, is the historian of New Paltz, New York, a Mid-Hudson River Valley utopia– my favorite place in the world (and I’ve been to Bali and Tuscany and Disney World). New...

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My Left Eye

April 25, 2012
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My Left Eye

For the past few days, my left eye has been twitching.  I’m fairly certain it is due to fatigue, stress, lack of sleep, overdose of caffeine (aka my daily routine), but I thought I’d check Dr. Internet to see what sort of diseases I could be freaking out about instead of trying to remedy...

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Water Cooler Pith #643

April 24, 2012
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Water Cooler Pith #643

I just heard myself say the following to a partner at my firm whom I ran into by the water cooler and whom blithely inquired about my weekend: There comes a time in every woman’s life when she realizes that she is too drunk to sit in an exit row of an airplane.  For...

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MY ARMENIAN MIND

April 24, 2012
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I remember the day I learned about sex. I was seven when I first asked my parents about it, and they were matter-of-fact: Penis goes in vagina. Baby is made. I also remember the moment I learned that everyone dies (for a while I thought you could live forever if you never got sick...

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You probably get this a lot, but this isn’t the real Caesar’s Palace is it?

April 23, 2012
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You probably get this a lot, but this isn’t the real Caesar’s Palace is it?

I survived my trip to Vegas, if barely.  Yesterday I learned that in addition to wheelchair requests getting you priority boarding, holding a throw up bag and looking green grants you priority exiting from the plane.  Our flight was a little delayed, so there were all of these people hammering to get out and...

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Fear and Clothing in Las Vegas

April 19, 2012
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Fear and Clothing in Las Vegas

I’m going to Vegas tomorrow.  I’ve only been to Vegas once–  I was 17 participating in a college geology field study across country, and we camped above Vegas on an alluvial fan for one night.  It was also during the 100 Year Flood and when we went into Vegas for the afternoon, we literally...

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Why I don’t shop at Walmart.

April 18, 2012
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Like most card-carrying NPR supporters and people who ride their vintage bicycles to farmers’ markets on the weekend, there are many reasons that I don’t shop at Walmart.  I want to say something intelligent about their deplorable labor standards or their effect of pushing out small, family-owned businesses and ruining the character of towns. ...

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Pedestrians can be convicted of vehicular homicide? Does this make all successful jaywalkers guilty of attempted vehicular homicide?

April 17, 2012
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I was pretty sure that operating a motor vehicle was an essential element that must be proven by the state in order to convict someone of the crime “Homicide by Vehicle.”  But online news sources are making me second guess my common sense and multiple years of traffic court experience.  Both the AJC and...

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Life is a Cabernet

April 17, 2012
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Life is a Cabernet

On my way to work this morning, I was admiring the red Audi in front of me when I noticed its license plate frame: Why in the world would you want your car to announce to law enforcement officers and the general public that you are a wino?  I just don’t get it.  I...

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You called me after midnight, it must have been three years since we last spoke.

April 16, 2012
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I shouldn’t be allowed to use a telephone.   More often than not, it results in no good.  I just left a voicemail for a friend from law school with whom I haven’t spoken in about five years.  The message starts out pretty well with an exuberant greeting and identification of myself, including full name. ...

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Women’s Work

April 15, 2012
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I was in a meeting yesterday afternoon with an old man client of mine. We were in a conference room with a couple other attorneys from my office– all male. The old man was telling some long, drawn-out metaphor about something, as old men are wont to do from time to time. During this...

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Sam Thielman

The Idea Man

The Year’s Best Movies, Part 1