T minus one day until another one of those pesky fake Mayan apocalypses, people! Remember, how they had that one a year or five ago and then realized the slide rule did the math wrong, so issued a new Rule Nisi for The End of Days? I hope you’re on the Nice List and not the Naughty List, when Rudolph’s spaceship comes to take us up to the planet of Heaven! Also, estimated travel time for The Rapture is unknown, so you should probably pack some snacks and reading material.
As for me, Sun Ra’s Space Is The Place is quite literally my favorite movie ever, so I am as prepared as anyone can possibly be for the isotope teleportation or transmolecularization that is imminent.
NASA is trying to convince us all that this is all a hoax, but my suspicion of the number 13 and reliance on an ancient civilization’s calendar as applied to questionable mathematical equations by present-day non-scientific religious nut-jobs knows better. Typical government propaganda.
Still, in the interest of providing a fair and balanced report of this momentous non-event, below is an accurately paraphrased transcript of the AMAZING NASA VIDEO that provides counterpoint to Sun Ra and attempts to debunk the End of Days prediction.
Transcript of NASA Video entitled “Beyond 2012: Why the World Won’t End; A Discussion with an Old Guy Who Knows Shit”
0:07: Question: The Internet says the world will end in December 2012? Can you confirm or deny any threats to the planet Earth?
0:13: Old Man Answer: I can confirm that December 21, 2012 is the Friday before Christmas, and therefore traffic around the mall will be apocalyptic, and in that sense they are right on the money. Otherwise, the interneters are full of shit.
0:26: Question: Why is NASA posting this video?
0:33: Old Man Answer: Because you are very stupid– especially young whippersnappers–and thousands of you keep sending us ignorant & panicked mail asking us about this bullshit, which gets in our way of performing actual astrophysics. Instead of replying individually, we thought we’d post this video of me practicing my upcoming toastmasters speech and see how my blue on blue on blue suit would look in front of a bunch of stars and set to ambient space music.
0:52: Question: Who made the call that the world would end on December 21, 2012?
0:53: Old Man Answer: A bunch of charlatans all synchronized their crazy and they ALL came up with the December 21st date. Please do not be alarmed by the fact that the only thing ALL of these random, different, disparate theories have in common is that the world will end on December 21, 2012. It’s just a coincidence. Really. Like that time you pilfered a Kiwanis Club tee-shirt from the lost and found at the pool and then happened to wear the shirt to a lunch where the Kiwanis Club actually met. Only a little more end-of-world-y and less “yay, free lunch”-y.
1:07: Question: Does the Mayan calendar end on December 21, 2012?
1:12: Old Man Answer: How would I know? Ask a Guatemalan yourself.
1:32: Question: Is there a rogue planet named Niburu or Planet X that is approaching Earth and threatening our planet with widespread destruction?
1:35: Old Man Answer: No. We know you’re all still emotionally adjusting to the announcement that Pluto isn’t a planet– we’re not sitting on other planets that PS would be insanely bright if they were near. However, the fact that I know how to pronounce “Niburu” and it’s not like you’d think it would be pronounced, belies the truth. Which is that we’re all fucked.
1:53: Question: Is the Earth’s pole going to flip a 180-degree rotation and create a polar shift?
1:58: Old Man Answer: Pole-dancing is exclusively for strippers, not for planets. NO EXCEPTIONS.
2:14: Question: Could the other asshole planets in the solar system align in some dangerously bullying way that could damage the Earth?
2:18: [I got bored and start thinking about unicorns while modifying my Zombie-Apocalypse Preparedness Kit into a more generalized Miscellaneous Apocalypse Preparedness Kit. Both involve lots of duct tape and things to bludgeon evildoers' heads with.]
2:34: Question: Black holes are cool. Are any of those going to eat planet Earth?
2:37 : Old Man Answer: THERE IS A GIANT BLACK HOLE IN THE CENTER OF THE OUR GALAXY. But it’s cool; we’ll be fine. Trust me, I’m wearing a blue suit in front of a green screen, and I own a protractor.
2:50: Question: Something about the Earth’s “wobble.” [True story: I just accidentally typed "Wine's" instead of "Earth's" wobble first. This gives you an idea of the trajectory of this post]. This question makes no sense and was probably written by a four-year-old or my imaginary cat Ronald.
2:56: Old Man Answer: Something about science and “wobbling.”
3:10: Question: God has rained down a lot of bad shit this year by way of natural disasters. How do NASA scientists explain away that, huh?
3:15: Old Man Answer: You fuckers watch too much CNN Headline News.
3:33: Question: Will there be a Total Earth Blackout on December 22? If so, what’s the over-under on how long it will take Long Island Power Authority to get my power back on because this head of hair won’t crimp itself?
3:36 :Old Man Answer: Please see Genesis 1:3. Unless and until a new sequel is written, the lights are staying on.
3:54: Question: Meteors are scary?
3:57: Old Man Answer: Agreed.
Best of luck, fellow Earth-dwellers. Hope to see you at the shrimp cocktail station on our spaceship, The Rapture.