I know I’m behind the times, but we need to discuss the name of Jessica Simpson’s baby: Maxwell Drew Johnson. I know I gave Beyonce and Jay-Z a hard time about Blue Ivy Carter, but Maxwell Drew Johnson?! For a baby girl? Come on! This kid already has the odds stacked heavily against her, as she inherits half of her genes from a woman confused by a tuna can logo. I know nothing about this child’s biological father, but even if he’s a bona fide member of MENSA International, his offspring’s IQ, as muddled by Daisy Duke’s lack thereof, will still likely only hover around room temperature.
The least Jessica could have done was to give this kid a girl’s name for one of her names. This is especially true considering that Jessica was pregnant for at least 17 months, giving her plenty of time to come up with a suitable name for a girl– it’s not like one of those crazy TLC shows where the morbidly obese woman thought she just had really bad gas but then pooped out a baby on the toilet so wasn’t really prepared for the whole naming thing. Jessica had the longest human gestation period ever recorded to prepare for this. And she utterly failed.
I do not care how many frilly headbands and dresses you try to put on that child, she still looks and her name sounds more like a man that Winston Churchill would hang out with in his smoking club than a newborn baby girl.