This is not a drill. There has been a report of a zombie attack in Miami, Florida. The zombie apocalypse is nigh. Perhaps last week’s ninja attack was a harbinger of the end of days. I’m just glad that The Walking Dead was filmed here in Atlanta, so we have a good leg up on other cities when it comes to zombie preparedness.
Most of the mainstream media doesn’t appear to be referring to this “zombie attack” as such, but when there’s a report of a man eating the flesh off of another man’s face, growling at police, and not responding to being shot, thus having to be shot many many times… Let’s just call a spade a spade: it’s a fucking zombie. CNN and The Examiner (which I have placed somewhere above the National Inquirer and below US Weekly on the totem pole of [un]reliability) are with me as “zombie” being the proper nomenclature.
What’s more puzzling to me (as I’ve been on zombie high alert for years, so the actual attack was not all that surprising and more just gross and sad) are these “bath salts” to which the stories refer. Bath salts transformed the man to the zombie state? Are there amphetamines in bath salts? Or do the quotations around “bath salts” mean just that this drug resembles bath salts but are not actually bath salts? If so, why did they choose “bath salts”? Seems like there are tons of other granulated powders that might better connote the sinister or zombifying aspect of this drug rather than “bath salts.” Like what about “Rock Candy Bittles.” Actually no, that doesn’t work– instead it sounds delicious and is hereby copyrighted as mine. How about “Granulated Erythritol”? I don’t know what that is, but it sounds more harmful to snort than bath salts.
On to a practical inquiry: as an avid recreational bather, I have a large store of bath salts of different scents and relaxation qualities. I need to know if I’m at risk for accidental zombie exposure and/or burglary to steal my plenty o’ bath salts when the storm hits. And by the look of the clouds, I may have to pick up the speed with which I collect head-bludgeoning objects for the final battle.